Over the years of trying to get a coach, and losing the few I’ve had, I came to the conclusion that even though a lot of the coaches I came across were pretty high level. None of them could coach me as I was at a higher level then their ability to teach.
A good coach/teacher is able to adapt their methods to the student they are trying to coach/teach.
Sitting in the lobby on the benches getting ready to skate, I hear a coach talking to I presume the parents of a child who was skating about their availability to do lessons. They said they were at the rink almost everyday and had slots of time available between 12 and 2.
I head out to the rink and work on my list of elements and make mental notes as I see them out coaching others.
When the session is up I head back to the lobby and get ready to head out. The coach I saw earlier is talking over things with the parents and lessons and they pack up and leave. The coach was still there so I approach them about getting some lessons as earlier they had said they had slots available. The answer I received when I asked was “I’m fully booked at every rink at the moment.”
Of course this is an answer I pretty much expected as I get the same thing when calling coaches that post their services on the board with the phone number tags, remember those? I’ll call and chat with them, typically they think I’m asking for my child. I tell them that it’s for myself and they ask what I’m working on, what times, etc etc. Once I give my name however, that’s usually the end of the conversation with a click. Some people ask for my name right upfront, as I’m guessing they were already leery, so not really a surprise to get a no and/or click.
Pretty much every coach I’ve talked to or called, said no once they knew my name.
I was skating at a public session at a rink I had not skated at before, not sure why I went there as it’s not close, but most likely it was a timing/free time issue.
So I did some warmups and got into my routine with practice elements and I noticed an older lady struggling with doing 3 turns. I stopped over and offer her a few tips like trying to go on the ball of your foot, toes to the top, lift your hip, pre-load your torso, etc etc. I watched for a bit, then went off to my own thing, I think I stopped by once or twice after to help in the progress and she was starting to get the hang of it. (I know how it is, it took me forever to figure it out, and once I did, I was so ecstatic!)
When the session ended, I was on the benches taking my skates off and such and she approached me and thanked me for the insights. Then she made a comment that she was scared in ever meeting me, but then said she was happy to have met me in person.
I wish I remembered her name, I’ve only seen her again once or twice afterwards.
I ponder however in what she had heard in that it seems that she feared meeting me in person?
One day, of which I don’t remember the exact flow of the morning, I had stopped at the rink before heading to the rec center for water aerobics. At the rink there were a couple people practicing, not sure what ice time it was, possibly club ice.
I was just sitting in the bleachers relaxing and watching for a while when the mom of one of daughters I’ve skated with during the public ice sat next to me (or did I see her and move next to her? I’m not sure). We talked a little bit and she mentioned that the other lady that had been sitting with her thought it was strange for an adult man, who was by himself, to be watching little girls skate. She told me that she told the lady, “Oh, that’s Steven, he’s more interested in the dress then the girl in the dress”.
I don’t remember much past that as the remark had made such an impression on me.
I can’t deny that I have a fascination of dresses and skirts, but I also enjoy skating for the complexity it has, the moves, spins, footwork, etc etc. Figure skating is much more of a personal ownership sport and I enjoy the emotions I see in the skaters, and what I feel in myself.
I was attending an advanced adult learn to skate at a rink when a little girl approached me and asked if I could tie her laces.
I told her that I shouldn’t, of which she pondered why? I told her I was sorry, but people may take it the wrong way if I tie your skates. Again she pondered as to why, it took many times saying sorry from me before I had finished tying mine and had her seek help from someone else.
I later became really annoyed with myself, such a simple request and task, yet if I were to do it, someone may have thought I had an ulterior motive and cause all kind of drama that was nether warranted nor necessary.
If she had told her story to someone, they may have come across all kinds of ideas as to why I didn’t oblige to her request. And heaven forbid if she had mentioned I was wearing a dress.
Indeed children are innocent as she had no idea as to why a grown man who looked more then capable of tying her laces refused to do so. One day unfortunately, she will understand one way or the other, as to why that man feared tying her laces that day.
I was a member of a skating club, I wasn’t able to do a whole lot as they really didn’t do much for adults, not really there fault as USFSA didn’t do much either back then.
But I did help out when I could and one of those tasks I did do was queuing and playing the program music for people practicing for competition. Nobody really complained about the work I did, and most of the time I didn’t have any issues except for this one coach.
They seemed to have a personal vengeance of hate toward me to the point that I was explicitly told by them in a very negative tone to not talk to their students. Which in itself was silly as their students needed to talk to me to get their music in the que and played.
Now one of the things back then was connecting the music box to the rink speaker system, and sometimes you had to fiddle with one of the cords as it had a bad connection. It was all taped up and such and in pretty poor condition, since I have an electronics background, I took it home to see if I could fix it.
When I get it home, it turns out the grip came loose and broke the center conductor, if you kept it pressed, and with some tape, it kind of kept it touching and working. So I unsoldered everything, stripped the wires back and made a good solid connection to the shield. I redid the friction grip and it now was pretty solid also. I then redid the center conductor and put a little kink in it so if it did get stretched that it would have some room to move instead if breaking.
So I bring back the repaired cord at the next session and upon seeing I had the cord with me, the coach that told me not to talk to their students blew a gasket. I told them I had taken it home to repair it of which I was told I had no right to do so and that I didn’t know what I was doing.
I didn’t argue with them as what’s the point of talking with someone that had already made up their mind about me and who I was and couldn’t be convinced otherwise?
I was at work one day when I overheard a customer talking about how they had to pay $125 for their child to play baseball for the summer season when it was free the year before.
I stood their thinking, be lucky that your child is not a figure skater!
There are so many costs involved in figure skating, for one, not every school, let alone city has an ice rink. So right off the bat you may have travel involved, and if you do have a rink to go to, now you have to deal with what time you can go. If your lucky, you may have access to more then one rink, but most of the time there is only one which can severely restrict participation time.
For baseball, basketball, and football, there are usually plenty of options to choose from. Largest obstacle in participating is usually the weather, but even so, there are places that one could practice indoors without too much cost or trouble.
Ok, so you have a rink and a time, now unlike most of the other amenities found in a lot of schools and cities that you can typically use for free, you will have to pay for your ice time even if it is a city owned ice rink.
Wow, ok, so now you have ice to skate on, but guess what? Unlike most sports, you can’t skate with shoes! I know, a bit silly, but think about it, you can play a large variety of other sports without specialized equipment. Certainly you do need some specific equipment to play some sports, but I think figure skates are more specific then say a basketball that just about everyone can use.
Fortunately, once you get your ice and skates, you don’t need much more, some people could argue clothing, but for practicing, you really don’t need anything fancy. Some snug fitting clothing that doesn’t get in the way and has some stretch is all you need.
Ok, so you have all that now, what’s missing? Oh yeah, a coach! Just starting out? No biggie, it’s possible to find group lessons and participate in that, cost effective and generally a good start. But even with that, private lessons are a must if you want to progress further, so more ice time and more costs.
So everything is humming along good and thoughts of testing come to mind, really no biggie in that department as the only thing that most people change is the attire. So something a little more fancy then warmup or practice, but nothing overly blingy. With testing you may have practice ice to pay for as well as a testing fee, and if your coach is there, they typically get paid also.
Next on the list? Competitions! Again, not really much of a change here, a themed costume will be the biggest change. And that cost can be from $200 to $2,000, on top of that, the coach usually attends the competitions to watch, and they typically want paid for their time there. Don’t forget registration and competition (for each event) fees, those need be paid before competing as well as any other fees like facility, practice ice, etc etc. Again, if your lucky, the rink will be nearby, otherwise there’s also travel cost, possibly hotel rooms, meals, and possibly even paying for the coaches meals and room (fortunately these are spilt up at times when coaches have more then one person competing.)
Wow, ok, so a few competitions later, sometimes sooner, guess what? It’s usually time to move up a level, so more time, more lessons, more travel, and of course, a new costume!
So what’s the cost? I’ve heard from a couple thousand and up to $30,000 PER season. Sorry, but I wouldn’t be all that upset in paying $125 compared to what I’ve come across.
By David Kettlewell
You may have read about Steven, he’s the male skater who wears a dress on the ice.
If you haven’t heard of him, read the center insert. It gives the details.
As an author with 24 years of professional writing experience, I’ve never dealt with an issue that generated such tremendous emotion from the public.
Respected, intelligent, successful people literally accosted me with views that were anything but balanced or reflective of a considered viewpoint.
I was told his genetic material should be removed from the gene pool, that he was ungodly, and worse. Friends from the skating world called to suggest the story should not be written.
What follows is my attempt to make sense of the emotions. It is theatrical. It is overblown, by design.
The essentials of the story are pretty obvious, and even predictable for those of us born and raised in Ohio.
A man chooses to wear a dress on the ice. People make fun of him. He feels outcast. End of story. Or is it?
We Midwesterners have about as much tolerance for this type of behavior as we do for a fish that won’t swim.
Ok, let’s put it another way. You want to win the Presidency? You better win Ohio because as goes Ohio, so goes the nation.
I figure it has to do with the frontier of the 1800’s. The real conservative types stayed in the East, and the real adventurous went to California, but the middle of the roaders…yep, we’re here in Ohio.
So the predominance of opinion is against the guy wearing a dress. He’s never hurt anyone, that’s not the point. You don’t have to hurt anyone. Just don’t “go along.”
Clearly, he’s not “going along.” Step in line boy, you should.
Like the prison guard with the shotgun in Cool Hand Luke who bloats, “What We Have Here Is A Failure to Communicate.” Luke ended up shot and driving at a snail’s pace in the ambulance till he died. Or Jack Nicholas’s character in One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. He didn’t want to take his pills, he didn’t want to get along so he got lobotomized and had the life literally smothered out of him with a pillow.
Think this is just in the movies? Think again.
Guess what, what we say about the man in the dress says whole lots more about us than it does about him.
WE say he doesn’t fit in, he won’t go along, he’s sick, and maybe dangerous.
What we should say is we expect everyone to fit in, that you better go along to get along, that we define those that don’t as sick, and that it’s we who can be dangerous.
One finger points, three point back.
In the 1700’s men of the aristocracy wore wigs, perfume, makeup, stockings, and little bitty outfits that look a lot like a skirts.
What we wear is merely a convention, we agree to agree, about clothes at least.
Wear this, it says you fit in. True in bowling leagues and the corporate suites.
So what does it say when a person chooses to wear something different?
Well, I don’t think we like what it says.
It says that our conventions aren’t the final word. That our views aren’t the only ones that count. That he can choose to be different. And that if we don’t like it, we can go jump.
Not that we don’t like a bit of the outcast in our stars. Madonna, Marlon Brando, Avril Lavigne, bad boys all. But please, pretty please, not too outcast.
Look, you can wear a Harley outfit and ride a Fat Boy, that’s ok, but don’t wear a dress.
We wear the thick muck of prejudice around our necks like an oxen yoke, and it fits so good we don’t even see it.
For most, our eyes are the key to our prejudices. Forget about them being the window to the soul. It’s prejudice we like, pure prejudice. See a black man, hate a black man, see a white man, hate a white man, you get the point.
To see beyond the eyes, to view something and think clearly about what our options are, how we choose to respond from various options, this is a monumental task, Herculean. It’s like, “Love Your Enemy,” Jack, that’s hard.
Convention can be a good thing. It makes traffic flow work. But convention has an ugly side too.
Like when we can’t even tolerate a dress. Or an accent in speech.
We’re a lot closer to our nation’s potential regarding armaments than we are with the nuances of freedom.
Better than thou? Don’t count on it. Do I like a man in a dress? No. I’m an Ohioan.
What does it mean when we react so to a guy in a dress? Who does it hurt? Why do we care?
You tell me.
wore pants.
Yes, wear pants, your a guy, guy’s wear pants. If you would just wear pants then you would be respected and treated fairly.
And you know what? I tried that, and nothing changed, I was still the adult man that people also knew that I wore skirts and dresses. So no, nothing changed, even my second coach wouldn’t give me a chance to take my warmup pants off even though they interfered with my skating.
wore black skates.
When I started skating, I did the traditional black skates. But when I was skating better and was wearing dresses and tights more often, the saying that “Black goes with everything” wasn’t really true in this case. So I switched to white skates, although I did have a thought when my first pair started to break down to get a different color. Of which most likely would have been blue of all things! I think the white however is a better, more neutral, color to go with.
looked like everyone else.
This one, wow, just wow, why would I want to look like everyone else? Does everyone else really look like everyone else? No, they don’t, so what are we really taking about? Oh, the overall look, yes, ok, so females can choose pants, leggings, skirts, dresses in whatever fit and color they desire. Same with their boots, they don’t have to be white and again can be any color they desire, including black! In fact I’ve seen black, purple, leopard print, pink, green, orange, bedazzled white and who knows what else.
But your a male so your choice is ankle length pants, sleeved shirt, both in dark colors although you’d be ok with a white shirt. Don’t forgot they should be a size or two bigger than you normally wear, and of course black boots.
stopped skating.
Yes, you heard that right, and it boils down to the fact that adults shouldn’t be skating. Although I think in this case they just didn’t want me to skate, but for the most part, adult skaters were the oddity and therefore could be ignored for the most part. If one was lucky, you could find some ice time that was specific to adults as some places restricted participation based on age and not ability. And what a shame too that younger people couldn’t see that there is still skating well beyond their youth.
Of course the majority of the discrimination I faced was unseen, there are a lot of things I tried to do, most of it however in vain.
By David Kettlewell
CENTER STORY
At the far end of the Kent State Ice arena a skater practices their edges. You hear the crunching of steel blades cutting ice in wide arcs. First, inside and outside edges on the left foot, then the same on the right foot.
As the skater approaches closer, you see immaculate white skates, suntan- colored tights, a brilliant blue skating dress, and a trim black jacket with a rhinestone name pin attached.
The skater approaches, he holds out his hand and says calmly, “Hi, my name is Steven.”
It is a male voice, it is a man, dressed, well, in a dress.
Steven Arness is a 35 year old male who has determined to skate on the ice, in public, in a dress.
As he puts it, to be accurate, they are not “women’s clothes,” but instead are clothes originally made for a woman, but which are now his, so they should be referred to as his clothes.
One would expect that a male skater wearing a dress on the ice, on the same ice that hockey skaters call home turf, would be the target of considerable criticism.
You would be right.
Kids in bleachers hoot as Steven skates by, figure skaters’ parents careen their kids to supposedly safer ground, and most people simply refuse to interact in any way.
To say that his wearing a dress affronts some in the conservative fish bowl of rink life would be an understatement.
“Some people pick on me. Some have accused me of being a pervert or a voyeur in wait for children, some accuse me of being in defiance of the bible’s commands, but I put up with it,” says Steven, because wearing a dress is what he wants to do.
Steven has had great difficulty finding a coach who always offer one excuse or another for why they cannot teach him, is oftentimes treated poorly by skating club parents and club officers, and occasionally finds someone willing to hear his views on dress, or dressing.
So why go through all this to wear a dress?
THE FIRST TIME
For Steven, unmarried, a computer and telephone cabling contractor in winter, and manager of a Go-Kart track in summer, the first step into women’s clothing was wearing a leotard at age 11.
“I was 11 or 12, and I got a black leotard which I wore at home. Did you know that leotards were actually developed by a man for use by acrobats and other performers?”
“As a child I’d seen the beautiful outfits that females wore and thought, ‘Why do they get to wear such beautiful outfits while the guys wear such bland and ordinary styles?’” He determined that if and when he learned to skate, he would wear whatever he wanted, be it pants or a dress.
“My mom thought I should wear a wig and makeup and pass as a woman, (she thought it would be less controversial,) but I couldn’t do it. It’s not me. I’m not a woman in a man’s body, I’m a man, but a man who chooses to wear what I call non- traditional attire,” said Steven.
The first dress he wore on ice was made by a New York woman. When she learned that Steven himself intended to wear the dress, she refused to alter it. “She lost a lot of business, because it’s one of my favorites in terms of cut and style.”
Steven has about 100 skating dresses, from plain white to brilliant blue, to tie dies, in many hues of colors. Blue is his favorite color.
He says that women’s clothing offers him so many styles to choose from.
“Open a skating catalog, what do you see? One page for men’s fashion and a hundred for women. I’m built different from a woman, so most of my outfits are custom made with a long girth. I’ve been told that a V-waist is most becoming for me, and I prefer a longer rear skirt because I don’t want too much of my cheek to show!”
I asked Steven the question so many impatient men ponder: just why is it that women take so long to shop for clothes?
“It’s simple. There are so many different styles and colors, it takes time to see them all, to try them on,” said Steven.
Do clothiers allow him to shop for clothes?
“Yes, they do. I go to a shop in Cleveland and they treat me well. I also buy some dresses by catalog, but prefer being able to try them on.” (Steven seldom wears a dress in public, primarily at the ice arena.)
WEARING A DRESS IS NO BIG DEAL
Said Steven, “Look, my wearing a dress is no great whoopee. I don’t think of myself as a crossdresser, I am who I am. I see no problem with wearing a dress on the ice and I don’t understand the stigma. Women wear pants and men’s shirts and no one thinks anything of it. I can be feminine in male pants, or masculine in clothing made for a female. These are just labels, what I wear does not change who I am on the inside.”
He points out that we live in a world of breast enhancement surgery, tattooing, and body piercings, which to his way of thinking are equally “diverse.”
“I think that too many people are more worried about what’s on the outside (how people see them), than on what’s on the inside,” said Steven.
“I don’t care how others dress, I really don’t. I look at somebody and I may feel that what they are wearing is goofy, but I still let that person express themselves, until such time as they express themselves in a negative or dangerous manner.”
On February 6th and 7th of 2004, Steven marched in the Million Skirted Men March in New York City. “About a hundred of us marched, we were fighting for the rights of men to wear skirts. We marched from the Guggenheim Museum to the Metropolitan Museum of Art.”
For Steven, skating was a chance to wear the clothing he enjoys and to lose unwanted pounds.
“I weighed about 210 before I began skating, and now I’m closer to 170.”
“Skating was my first sport, the first time I used my body as an athlete. I never was into baseball, football or basketball.”
“Skating has a different kind of power and energy to it, I like the footwork and spins and jumps and it’s so exciting to go across the ice!”
“It’s been a different thing for me.”
SOCIETY’S MIRROR
There is a darker side, explained to me in detail by a grouping of individuals who all requested their names be withheld.
“He’s a pervert and I don’t want my kids anywhere near him,” said one woman with two children who skate. Her views seem to reflect the views of many.
They view his peculiar dressing habits as something to be feared.
One ice arena manager said, “We don’t care what he wears, we’re a public facility and as long as he follows our rules, we have no problem. But I’ll tell you that many parents have come to me and asked that he be thrown off the ice.”
A minister said his wearing a dress went against the teachings of the bible, although he had no success in finding an applicable passage.
Steven’s legal rights are definitely not on slippery ice. He says that attorneys have told him he has every right to wear exactly what he wants, where he wants to wear it. To not allow him to participate in skating would be tantamount to saying that someone can’t participate due to their race, age, or sex. It’s illegal and he knows it.
“One skating club wanted me off the ice but they contacted an attorney at the United States Figure Skating Association. They were told to let me wear what I want.”
While overt discrimination has been rare, he does find making his way in the skating world a hard go.
“It’s been hard to find a coach who will teach me, and most skaters warn I’ll never be able to compete in a dress. I have a tunic which is close in style to a dress, but I would have to wear pants underneath. I haven’t decided yet how much I want to push the issue.”
Steven had hoped to participate in a fundraising calendar featuring men in dresses, but it never got off the ground. His hopes of being part of an endeavor with those of like mind evaporated like ice on a warm day.
BEFRIENDED BY SOME
There are people who can accept Steven the way he is, who almost seem to cherish him.
Chandra Morgan-Henley is one such friend.
“I was morbidly obese for much of my life, I weighed about 500 pounds. I would walk through the grocery store, which was work for me, and kids would stand up on shopping carts and scream, ‘look how huge she is!”
“People would either ignore me or make fun of me. People in general should be able to live without others passing judgment on what you wear, or the color of your skin, or your body size, or hair color.”
Roger Thurman, a luthier in Kent, Ohio, summed up his thoughts, “People just don’t like what’s different. It scares them, and I’ll tell you what, they can be dangerous.”
Thurman served in the armed forces in Vietnam as an interpreter.
He continued, “Oftentimes how people respond to someone who is different, like Steven, says far more about the person being critical than it does the subject of the criticism.”
Another individual said, “Steven is important and of value to each of us. In him, we confront something we cannot relate to, and so the question becomes, “how do you relate to those who are different?”
In this sense, Steven is a mirror and it is we who are reflected.
Steven has hopes for the future, on and off the ice.
“I hope someday to find a woman who can accept me for who I am.”